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Anonymous · 22/11/2005 06:46:46 Subject: Confused and don't know what to do

Several years ago I divorced my husband basically because I was bored. I allowed myself to get involved with someone that was really bad news. This was not my first divorce or even my second, but this divorce hurt alot of people. My adult children consider this man their dad even though he is their stepdad. He's a wonderful man and I threw it all away. They spend their holidays with him and his family. Everyday I regret what I did and how I did it. But I know that there is no turning back, and to make matters more complicated, we work for the same company.

Through my brother, I met up with a man that I had a crush on in high school and convinced myself that I was in love with him (I am not) and I married him. This man says that he is very much in love with me, but I don't know if it is that or like myself he doesn't want to be alone. I own my own house and so does he. I want to ask him to move back into his house for awhile so that I can sort things out. My son won't have anything to do with me because of some things that I did and I know that as long as I am with this man my son won't try to work things out. I am angry all the time, and I don't feel that my husband deserves this. I am afraid to be alone. I always wonder...what if...something may break down and I can't fix it, my truck may break down and I don't have the money to fix it. There are so many things that I want to do. I have a very strong faith but I have ignored my spiritual growth for such along time. I do not know what to do!!! This man is disabled and is home all the time and it is driving me crazy. Also, he has 3 adult daughters that do not like me and feel that I am keeping him away from them. There is a part of me that feels that I need some alone time to sort out all of the chaos. And then there is a part of me that feels that this is what I deserve because of all the people that I hurt, this is my payback. Any advice would be most helpful.

Why am I so reluctant to tell this man how I feel?

cre8tobe · Messages: 57 Location: cre8tobe

wow. sounds like you've had and are having a pretty rough time. I'm only htirty-five, I don't have any children and I've never been married. I don't know if i'm qualified to offer much advice, but I'll try. I've been in more relationships with the wrong men than I care to count. Many if not all of them were ventured into to stave off boredom and the fear of being alone. I moved witht eh last man in the line to a very small town because the two of us were going to marry and build a home together here (he grew up here). When we ended I thought I wouldn't be able to survive alone. But I have. I feel stronger now than i ever have. I now view being alone as a gift to myself. I find stength in friends and in my job as a teacher. I have come to realize that I'm happy on my own. Much happier than i ever was with any of the men I tried to make fit. I know that I still have residual wants to share myself and my life with someone, but I don't need someone else to feel safe and/or secure. when the right person shows up, i'll be here. but he's going to have to be alot mor than i've settled for in the past.
You have grown children whom I'm sure love you very much. Find strength in yourself and listen more closely to your inner voice. If you aren't happy, ask yourself if this, too, is just a result of boredom and may pass. If so, then stick it out. If not, reevaluate. Don't stay with someone out of fear of lonliness because you may be hindering yourself from being truly happy. change is terrifying. the unknown always is, but it can be exciting too. reinvent. decide what you ultimately need not want. Hurting someone else to find your path can be difficult, but staying with someone only becuase it's easier isn't fair to them or you. It can only lead to resentment on both your parts. sit down and talk it out. If you stay just to stay, consider the life unlived. the possibilities untried. is your first husband remarried? if not, why do you say there is no hope of going back? if he is, you're right-no possibility and you need to let that one go, but you can at least try to be friends. it's never too late to change your life completely. you just have to make some tough decisions and then stick to your decisions. It sounds to me like you need to be alone for a while. you mentioned several previous marriages. Marriage should be HUGE and entered into with eyes open and hearts open. it shouldn't be an easy decision. being in a relationship is not meant to fill us. we have to fill ourselves. we have to know ourselves. we have to be enough. until you feel that and know it's real, you won't ever feel settled. you can't truly share a whole life if you aren't whole yourself. find your stengths. find your power. I know many people view marriage as sacred and feel that once you enter into it, you should do whatever work it takes to make it work, but that doesn't take into consideration all of the people who enter into marriages at the wrong times or for the wrong reasons. a man is not a salve. if your worried about finances and inability to take care of emergencies when and if they occur( a silly reason to marry and/or stay with a man), then do something about it. take care of yourself. build yourself up. find ways to make those fears go away. that could mean a new job, furthering your education, or living a simpler life. be stong for yourself. Women are powerful, capable people. we don't need men to provide our financial security anymore.

make things right with your children/son. that should be top priority. ask them for help. share your fears with them. allow yourself to be as vulnerable with them as you have here with strangers.

tomorrow is thanksgiving-discover what you are really thankful for or create new things for which to give thanks.

above all, take care and know yourself,
sandi

If you would create something, you must be something.
~Goethe

Anonymous · 24/11/2005 21:58:53 Subject: Re: Confused and don't know what to do

Please don't should on this lady who is asking sincerely for help. Many people have had several marriages, it doesn't mean they were entered into lightly.

It seems to me that you (the anon writer) have an advantage that many do not have since you both own your own homes and still have both of them available. What about taking things slowly, asking him to spend more time at his house so that you can have some alone time at your house to sort things out? He can still be available to help if something goes awry with the truck or the house (and yes, this is legitamate, I was and still am terrified to take care of some of these things alone). It doesn't have to be a legal separation or divorce, but some alone time. Maybe the heart will grow fonder with absence and maybe you will find you like your independance and decisions can be made from there.

Above all, I would communicate with your husband, and your children, and your self. Journal? Therapist? Those are a few options to help with communication,

Sincerely.

cre8tobe · Messages: 57 Location: cre8tobe

to the above, my most humble apologies. I just reread what i had written and perhaps i came off the wrong way. i did not mean to say that anyone's choices were made hastily, as i don't know any of you personally, I would not assume to know. I just don't like to hear women talk of feeling they have to stay with men in order to have security (been there-it didn't work for me).

to the woman who wrote the original, i apologize for sounding judgemental if that is in fact how you read what i wrote. I was sincere in what i had to say. it is never too late to reinvent and empower yourself. maybe i wrote too broadly from my own experiences although i've never been married i have entered into relationships merely for the sake of security and to fend off lonliness. your story reminded me of some of my own choices. follow your heart and ignore those (myself included) who don't jive with what is right for you. I wish you all the best and hope everything works out with you and your family. communication is key. every day begins with new possibilities and new feelings. sometimes we just have to surge through the times when things feel off in order to remember the things that are great about the ones we're with.

again apologies to all if I have offended. it was not my intent AT ALL.
peace,
s

If you would create something, you must be something.
~Goethe