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Anonymous · 27/02/2010 05:05:44 Subject: I lost my best friend

My friend Cathy has died. I hate how finite that word "died" sounds. I do not know what else to do but post here. If I keep it all inside, then I will retreat into my wall and shut out everyone.

I posted on here earlier, then decided to play some online word games. As I was playing, something told me to check the Huntsville obituaries. I typed in Cathy's name, and I read that Cath had died last Friday. I closed out the page, thinking it must be some error or that the steroids were screwing up my vision and I was reading it all wrong. The page came back up after I refreshed it, and the same information was there. And the tears came. This tomgal hates to cry.

I feel angry and guilty and sad and just a ton of emotions. Long story short, when I visited Cath in November she talked about death, stating I was the only one she felt could handle it. She initiated those conversations, and she was not morbid about the topic, just realistic and trying to accept what she knew-- that her time was running out. I knew when I hugged her before I left that it was the last time I would see her alive. Cathy knew. too. Although it was unspoken, both she and I heard it loudly, if that makes any sense. I am grateful for our time together.

There is other stuff that transpired, namely me telling Cath I would never walk on glass just because she was sick. Needless to say, she already knew that about me. I reminded her I would not be a part of her pushing and pulling people away. I do not do that game, regardless of someone's health. Hurts too much. Since that visit, she pulled away, and I respected and understood why, but I wasn't willing to be a part of it. Now I feel guilty for speaking my peace, and not guilty at the same time.

Our mutual friend called former coworkers and other friends. She told another mutual friend I did not want anything more to do with people in Alabama and not to call me. I am angry about that. The letter I wrote Cathy said no such thing. I simply asked for space.

I feel lost, I do not know where my heart is anymore. I am just tired. And I miss Cathy already. Hell, I missed her before today. I have never lost a friend.

If truth be known, it is hard for me to lay my emotions out like this. I worry people will think I spend too much time in the dark, or that they will get tired of me whining or that I appear too emotional or plain old crazy.

Thanks for listening.

Please keep Cath and her family in your prayers.

Love,
Jo

kathryn · Messages: 929 Location: little house on the prairie

Oh Jo -- I'm so sorry. ((((JO)))))....... Your tears and heartbreak honor the deep friendship you shared and based on everything you have written, over time, there is no doubt that you and Cathy loved, respected & understood each other exactly. You each handled things in the best way you knew how. Second guessing, though perfectly natural, will not be helpful. Do take extra good care of yourself at this time. ((((((JO)))))) You know that you are cared for deeply in this place. Come and make good use of us.

"Do not stop thinking about life as an adventure. You have no security unless you can live bravely, excitingly, imaginatively, unless you choose a challenge instead of a competence." ~Eleanor Roosevent

mish · Messages: 1036 Location: Southern California

ahhh, jo,
i am so very, deeply sorry for your loss.

like kathryn, it is so obvious that you loved her, and she you....that nothing else matters. we all do the best we can, and i remember admiring you for your stances that you took during her illness...you were protecting yourself as best you could, and that's ok. nothing to second guess or fel guilty about....she knew, she knows.

it would be hard for ME to not raise all sorts of hell to those who didn't call...i think you're a better person than that. in the end, it is only your relationship to kathy that mattered, and however others want to interpret that in their pain is their business.

much love and hugs being sent your way.
i'll hang out here for a while with you...i like it down here (sometimes a bit too much, i know!).
xoxox
mish

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us....E.M.Forster

linda gail · Messages: 1669

Jo - sending a big warm hug. I'm sorry for your loss. I understand the mixture of emotions. Don't run from them; that won't solve anything. What you're going through is normal and healthy for a sensitive person who loses a good friend in complicated circumstances. Don't let the guilt stay, though. you have nothing to feel guilty about. You are who you are and that's why you two were friends.

Believe.

Scarlett651 · Messages: 2299 Location: the porch

{{{JO}}}
first...minor point at this time, maybe, but you are not 'Plain Old' anything!!!

and I second how mish put it...you and Cathy understood each other
and that's all that really matters.
the rest of it just SUCKS...but it'll go away. How the others acted is just their poor judgement.
what you and Cathy were is what matters.

we're here for you, Jo...
in the dark or wherever else you wanna meet up.

you do your best to take care of yourself
(don't wanna piss off the personal trainer right off the bat!)

Love you, darlin'!
XOXOX
Scarlett (and Pieman's here, too!)

We are not human beings making a spiritual journey...we are spiritual beings making a human journey.
~ Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
*******
"He lived happily ever after."
Willie Wonka

Scarlett651 · Messages: 2299 Location: the porch

in fact the pieman is right here, so just wanting to drop you a quick thought, that is a bit marose, murose...morose.... not sure how to spell it and yeah, not really sure I am taking it in the right context, but it could be taken the wrong way, but I am going to tell you cause I know you will take it the right way.

My son, the boo, went to kindergarten, and well he got to missing the people at head start, ms debbie, mr walker, etc... well, seeing as how he is in school when they are working, couldn't really even plan a day when he and I could go see them without playing hookie for the day, (Which we do not condone) So I told him to remember all of the good times. I asked him why he missed the crew at head start, made him give me reminders of the fun we shared, and I told him that is what you do when you miss someone... just remember why it is that you are missing them. Take time to remember the good times that can never be repeated anyhow and just enjoy the memories. I told him that is why he is sad, in fact that he is sad says something for how important the times he had with them were. We spent a few minutes talking about the times he and I both shared... he tempered the missing a little better then on... I say then on, because even now, months after the lesson, he will remind me of good times that he had had, and tell me that he still misses head start.

Yeah it hurts like hell! But know that you are blessed to have been a participant in a human encounter that it would matter enough to be missed. I love you Jo, and I know there a few more here that know you well enough to tell you the same. Big Hugs.

The pie man

We are not human beings making a spiritual journey...we are spiritual beings making a human journey.
~ Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
*******
"He lived happily ever after."
Willie Wonka

hecticeclectic · 28/02/2010 22:49:57 Subject: Re: I lost my best friend

Thanks, guys, for the love and support and hugs and prayers and emails. And Scarl, I so get what Pieman says. Again, i am reminded that the depth to which we feel pain is the depth to which we experience joy.

One of the hardest things I did today had to do with my cell. My cell died (one of those touch screens that do not seem to hold up), so I had to put my sim card in my old phone and enter new numbers. I took Cathy's number out. That was so hard. If anyone understands, I knew it would be you folks.

Much Love,
Jo

Look up at the sky. Ask yourself, "Has the sheep eaten the flower or not?" And you'll see how everything changes.
And no grown-up will ever understand how such a thing could be so important!
Antoine de Saint-Exupery, THE LITTLE PRINCE

Scarlett651 · Messages: 2299 Location: the porch

{{{JO}}}
you don't need the cell phone to talk with Cathy anyway.

We are not human beings making a spiritual journey...we are spiritual beings making a human journey.
~ Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
*******
"He lived happily ever after."
Willie Wonka

elle · Messages: 892

(((((JO)))))

wow...what a gamut of emotions you must be feeling. keep feeling no matter what thos emotions are. you're right where you need to be....amongst friends.

mish · Messages: 1036 Location: Southern California

ahhhhh jo.....

scarlett's right, you don't need a pone to call her anymore, which is nice.

i think of you daily and am sending hugs and...

peace,

mish

and, shh, don't tell anyone, but i still have tom's cell phone # programmed into my phone. you're a braver girl than i am gunga jo....

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us....E.M.Forster

hecticeclectic · 01/03/2010 14:22:01 Subject: Re: I lost my best friend

Thanks again, guys! And Mish, big hug to you. Nothing wrong with keeping a number. We all handle it our own way, ya' know. And don't worry, I won't tell anyone

.

Love,
Jo

Look up at the sky. Ask yourself, "Has the sheep eaten the flower or not?" And you'll see how everything changes.
And no grown-up will ever understand how such a thing could be so important!
Antoine de Saint-Exupery, THE LITTLE PRINCE

linda gail · Messages: 1669

there's a deceased person who facebook keeps popping up his picture and telling me I need to reconnect.... it was kinda spooky at first, now I find it humorous.

Believe.

Mallory · Messages: 1075

(((((((((Jo)))))))))

Wishing you peace and loving you, standing beside you.

(Oh, and Jo? Don't tell anybody about that key I still have for the house nextdoor that doesn't exist anymore since it was paved into a parking lot. Or the pipe-cleaner butterfly keychain, neither! Kay?)

*smiles wryly*
With love and light and a big hug,
~Mallory

Peace in your hearts,
With the love of my soul
~Mallory

~*Music is the vernacular of the human soul*~

anntinasia · 02/03/2010 22:31:25 Subject: Re: I lost my best friend

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{*** Jo ***}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

My love and prayers are with you, my friend.
Love ya,
Tina

Anntinasia

"Sometimes life calls for an unexpected hat!"

"Everything you can imagine is real."
~Pablo Picasso~

Krista · Messages: 491

We kept some voice messages from my mom on our computer for a long time...and I'm sure the reason my dad still hasn't cleaned out any of her things (after 4 1/2 years) is that is it too hard to bear. I mean everything from her hairbrushes to her clothes to the books she kept to read to the bag she took with her when she played Bingo to her purses still sitting where they always did. It's all exactly the same, and probably will be until my dad dies. That's just the way it is, and if that is what he needs, then it has to be OK.